Explicitly Me

• 2 min read

Yes, I am gay. I know that I have denied it before, but never willingly. This post explains my journey, ushers in my new journal design (soon), and sets free four years of private entries (soon).

On various levels throughout of my life, I was always aware of my homosexuality. Initially, I treated these desires like a bad habit or even an addiction. Time would tell that a wrong diagnosis will not cure an ailment.

My Christian faith is a cornerstone of my life. The world has seen no greater example of love than Jesus Christ.1 Love is an action varied in expression but always motivated by a morality demanding its existence. For many years, my understanding of this morality would treat homosexuality as something I could rid.

I prayed. I fasted. A year later, I concluded.

I could not make myself straight. Even various attempts at lusting for women proved futile. Trying to cure one sin (homosexuality) with another sin (lust for women) did not work, but neither did my year of solemn faith.

I had to accept that I was gay and that there were only two options available in reconciling my faith with my homosexuality: be sexually abstinent for the rest of my life or find God's plan in my situation. The first choice is what Catholic priests who fondle little boys choose. I'm no pedophile. So, I pursued the latter choice.

I am not here to validate homosexuality or invalidate Christianity. Neither was disposed of during my journey. They aren't mutually exclusive, despite many Christians attempt to ostracize homosexuals and gay culture's general despise of Christians.

As of today, I have never felt more comfortable with myself. My faith and my homosexuality no longer feel like a tug-of-war or a noose cutting me off from experiencing a life without lack.

But there is more to this story. These revelations are not new. All of this happened way back in 2002. So why now? Basically when Switch aired, lots of creepy gay men flocked to my blog like moths to a flame. Additionally, I feared the reaction of my family. With all the drama that perpetually surrounds them, I needn't add to it. But in October 2004, I met a wonderful man that I am madly in love with. Keeping my family a secret to him and visa-versa is not fair or truthful. So after a family "outing" a week ago, here I am.

I wish that I could say my fears in telling my family were not justified. That's not the case. Life is too short to make people love me, so feel free to leave me. I'm not chasing after anyone.

I am finally free to be explicitly me.

(Written July 22, 2005)

1 Edit July 30, 2008: Actually, at the time of publishing, I was well on my way to becoming an atheist.