Be A Treasure Hunter
Posted on Friday, September 25th, 2009 at 9:00.
I struggled with assumptive cynicism for much of my life. This is the gut reaction where you feel personally attacked when someone acts in a manner that seemingly is insulting or dismissive without substantial evidence that such an action was intended to hateful. My senior year of high school, my friend Adam Nolley featured a quote in a piece of his artwork that said, “Choose to not be offended.” This struck me because I never had thought of being offended (or any emotional reaction really) as a choice. It is.
When someone says something in a tone that seems negative or makes a decision that has negative consequences fo me, I try to take a moment to understand their perspective before reacting. I know this sounds simplistic, but it is something that I have had to practice to form a habit. In some circumstances, it’s just a miscommunication and not spite.
Even if the offending party was intentionally offensive, a negative response only escalates the offense. The preeminent How to Win Friends & Influence People changed how I negotiate everything in every moment of life. I try to read it at least once a year. Empathy is difficult, but Dale Carnegie’s techniques have helped me create understanding when I feel wronged and just don’t care.
I recently stumbled upon Twenty Life-Improving Principles. One principle jumped out at me: “Be a treasure hunter; consciously find (and appreciate) the good in your world.” I think that beautifully summarizes what I’ve said above and tried to practice for years. Treasure hunters know there is value to be found and that such a reward involves a journey. (I liked some of the other principles so much that I made a sign to hang by my desk.)
As I near the first anniversary of being married to my amazing husband, I’m reminded of the study “Predicting Divorce among Newlyweds from the First Three Minutes of a Marital Conflict Discussion” mentioned by Malcolm Gladwell in Blink: The Power of Thinking Without Thinking. Researchers concluded that they could determine divorce probability by observing assumptive cynicism when a couple communicates:
“The biggest lesson to be learned from this study is that the way couples begin a discussion about a problem – how you present an issue and how your partner responds to you – is absolutely critical,” said Gottman. “Women need to learn how to soften their approach when they bring up a problem,” added Carrère, “and men have to learn how to be more accepting of what she’s saying.”
Finding the treasure in everyone in all situations is not possible, but you’ll end up a richer person the more you try.
How do you stay motivated to be a treasure hunter?
Header: Adapted from “Typcut #0002: Are You Happy?” by Alex Koplin and David Meiklejohn
Love your sign!
Seeing reminders like this that there are actually thoughtful, self-aware, positive people in the world helps keep me motivated to be a treasure hunter :-)
Thanks, Jeremiah
I’ll have to give the “Treasure Hunter” idea some thought. Also, I am going to print out your sign and post it on my monitor for a while. I may even highlight the part about small problems becoming larger ones later. Not for me, of course (grin), but for my partner who never seems to want to look at steps 4,5 and 6. All he sees is 1 and 2. He’ll learn. (LOL)
I probably ought to work on the non-offense thing, too. I know I’m VERY guilty of taking offense where none was intended. Oh well….if I were perfect, what would be the point?
Jim
Great post. I’ve been trying to incorporate some of the principles that you mention in my everyday life.
Read the following article: http://blogs.harvardbusiness.org/bregman/2009/07/to-get-what-you-want-dont-go-with-your-gut.html
When in a situation (sticky or not) it talks about reacting to ‘the outcome that you want’ out of the situation instead of reacting to ‘the situation that you’re in’. Often, this requires one to calm the emotions/gut feeling down and actually react in a calm/rational manner to achieve the desired outcome.
It’s a great read, and in a way, when you ‘react to the outcome you want’ , you are responding in a manner that allows you to stay positive to achieve the goal you desire. So I suppose it’s one way to ‘treasure hunt’ :)