Jeremiah

In a drastic shift in strategy, Evil Doers today announced it would transfer terror operations to former competitor Transportation Security Administration. CEO Osama bin Laden stated, “This is a win-win for our stock holders and those we serve.”

The shift in operations did not surprise some analysts. “We’ve longed believed that TSA would assume Doers’ production facilities since the White House Support market dropped,” an analyst at United08.com said.

TSA Founder G. W. Bush stressed the economic benefits of domestically produced terror. “We’re adding jobs to our economy to keep the American peoples workin’.”

A recent Gallup poll found that most TSA and Doers employees thought their jobs were important in The Grand Scheme of Things, while most Americans believed the contrary.

“If it weren’t for the TSA, I would never have known how much of a security threat shampoo is,” one registered frequent loyal American said, “I am now avoiding such products. It’s unpatriotic to use shampoo.”

Some have compared the terror industry to the alcohol and tobacco industries. “This inaccuracy undermines our product,” bin Laden said, “Terror does not contain anywhere near the level of addictive or lethal attributes of those products.”

The news had mixed reactions on Wall Street. Arriving passengers sent sales soaring at Bath & Body Works and Starbucks, while Duty Free International predicted a weak Q3.

This entry was posted on Sunday, August 13th, 2006 at 20:57 and is tagged humor, politics.