Lately

I know that my blog has been most impersonal lately. Apologies. School is busy. Life is busy. I’m so ready for the semester to end. But I know the summer will not bring relief.

Financial aid, the added expense of Emerson’s LA program, and the insulting audacity of David Griffin worry and anger me. I don’t know what to do about the required on-campus housing situation that totally discriminates against gay couples… or moving to LA in August in general.

I can’t even plan this summer. I guess I’m working at Harvard with Apple and at Atlantic Research. I am hesitant about going to South Africa because I don’t feel confident in my ability to find the story. I don’t have time to find the story right now. The story is there and it needs to be told, but I fear my inability to tell it. Fortunately, Arthur’s skills far supersede mine here and I know that I shouldn’t worry.

I have to finish my senior honors thesis project and paper, whose story enthralls me but I can’t seem to execute.

The new Emerson.edu looks pretty, but is slow and still not organized logically. It’s also not using XHTML or CSS. It brings no innovation to communication or arts, which is a big shame for the school.

I worry about Emersive’s survival as an organization. I founded it, presided over it for two years, and now it’s left in capable hands. Emerson students just haven’t responded to it like EIV, Developed Images, Gauge, or other student organizations that I admire.

I submitted work to The EVVY Awards for Best Website, Best Interactive Project, and Best Photo Series. I don’t think that I will win and I probably just wasted $60. I don’t want to leave Emerson without winning an award from the organization to which I’ve dedicated so much time. Regardless, I wish my grandparents would come see the show since they had to cancel unexpectedly last year.

DPL has been so busy lately and I find myself not getting any of my own work done while I am there.

I am struggling with where to intern this fall. I can’t decide to go with interactive development, which I have some self-confidence in, or venture out into 3D and visual effects, which I’m learning lots about but am not good at (yet). I don’t want to work at a movie studio, but I want the 3D and compositing skills to bring online. Motion graphics seem so much more sexy than anything online right now. I should have been a marketing major and a new media minor. I don’t feel that I’m very good at what I do (compared to the pros that I admire) and I don’t think Emerson’s classes (with a few exceptions) have done anything to help me reach the level of those I admire.

I just want my job to make life better somehow. If that’s in entertainment with a message or if that’s with a company making great products in a socially conscious way or if it’s with a grassroots (or grassroots-esque) organization, then I really don’t care which skillset of mine gets used.

Professors Jason Roush, John-Craig Freeman, Claire Andrade-Watkins, and Rachelle Dermer have made this semester magical in some way.

In general, I just feel down about the way things are going in the world. Our government is everything our forefathers wanted to avoid. The environment is being trashed and nobody cares. Intellectual property owners are ruining the innovative spirit of humanity, and again nobody cares. Our society is more obsessed with entertaining itself with itself instead of experiencing things that seem more fundamentally human.

Physical distance makes me long for the friendships the way they used to be. I don’t have any particular relationship or persons in mind. I just know that I haven’t been that good with keeping up with friends in VA and CA.

At the same time, I am so appreciative of the people in Boston whose friendship I have probably not had time to value enough. Allyson, Mark, and Greg are highlights of my day at Emerson. In general, my fellow DPL labbies and select people in The EVVYs are just wonderful. I know that I’m lucky to be around such people. I’ve always been lucky to be around amazing people.

Arthur and Steph are in Nicaragua. I miss them. I wish I could be there with the good presence of Ana, the spontaneous experience that is attracted to her, and the hope that the country resonated.

I love people’s reactions to Barang. I hope to make something so powerful.

I miss my mom regularly these days. My Uncle Jon sent me DVDs of some home video from two Christmases in the late 80s. I haven’t had the time to call and thank him and he’ll probably read this before I get to, but I needed to see them. The timing was perfect.

Every conversation with my Dad (even though they are few with my schedule) seems to remind me of how wonderful a man he is.

I miss my siblings. I feel that I’m missing the best years to be a kid (high school) the same way my mother missed my best years to be a kid. I know that she didn’t want to leave and miss that experience and I feel the same, even though I’m fortunate enough to be alive.

I feel that I have neglected myself spiritually for the past year. I just don’t agree with the church on so much and I don’t want to be with people who largely use blind faith as an excuse to not think critically. I don’t believe the faith of a child is desirable. at all. I want a Blue Ridge Community Church with a progressive statement of faith and that just doesn’t seem to exist.

Arthur & I haven’t taken up Lesley (the wonderful traveling companion from Boston we met in Nicaragua) on her offer to go to Arlington St Church yet.

I feel like less of an artist now more than I ever have before in some ways.

I want to have time to workout regularly. I don’t even care about the health benefits or physique benefits anymore. I just want to be committed to something just for me on a regular basis.

I can’t wait until Arthur comes home. He makes me happy when I feel too much. And I’m feeling too much right now.

So I know that I sound depressed right now. I’m not. I just needed to dump my mind. It’s 3 AM. I’ve been trying to fall asleep since midnight to no avail.

Music: Spem In Alium (40-Voice Motet) by Thomas Tallis, performed by Oxford Camerata

Posted on Monday, April 24th, 2006 at 3:02.