Explicitly Me

Yes, I am gay. I know that I have denied it before, but never willingly. This post explains my journey, ushers in my new journal design (soon), and sets free four years of private entries (soon).

On various levels throughout of my life, I was always aware of my homosexuality. Initially, I treated these desires like a bad habit or even an addiction. Time would tell that a wrong diagnosis will not cure an ailment.

My Christian faith is a cornerstone of my life. The world has seen no greater example of love than Jesus Christ.1 Love is an action varied in expression but always motivated by a morality demanding its existence. For many years, my understanding of this morality would treat homosexuality as something I could rid.

I prayed. I fasted. A year later, I concluded.

I could not make myself straight. Even various attempts at lusting for women proved futile. Trying to cure one sin (homosexuality) with another sin (lust for women) did not work, but neither did my year of solemn faith.

I had to accept that I was gay and that there were only two options available in reconciling my faith with my homosexuality: be sexually abstinent for the rest of my life or find God’s plan in my situation. The first choice is what Catholic priests who fondle little boys choose. I’m no pedophile. So, I pursued the latter choice.

I am not here to validate homosexuality or invalidate Christianity. Neither was disposed of during my journey. They aren’t mutually exclusive, despite many Christians attempt to ostracize homosexuals and gay culture’s general despise of Christians.

As of today, I have never felt more comfortable with myself. My faith and my homosexuality no longer feel like a tug-of-war or a noose cutting me off from experiencing a life without lack.

But there is more to this story. These revelations are not new. All of this happened way back in 2002. So why now? Basically when Switch aired, lots of creepy gay men flocked to my blog like moths to a flame. Additionally, I feared the reaction of my family. With all the drama that perpetually surrounds them, I needn’t add to it. But in October 2004, I met a wonderful man that I am madly in love with. Keeping my family a secret to him and visa-versa is not fair or truthful. So after a family “outing” a week ago, here I am.

I wish that I could say my fears in telling my family were not justified. That’s not the case. Life is too short to make people love me, so feel free to leave me. I’m not chasing after anyone.

I am finally free to be explicitly me.

(Written July 22, 2005)

1 Actually, at the time of publishing, I was well on my way to becoming an atheist.

36 Comments

  1. Posted 2005/07/30 at 13:00 | Permalink

    Good luck. You’ll find that coming out is a huge load off you. You can finally relax now and no longer be afraid of getting outed. Hopefully your family will come to accept you.

  2. Dan
    Posted 2005/07/30 at 13:17 | Permalink

    Congratulations! This was a VERY big step! Doing it so publicly, I sure, relieved a HUGE burden. Cheers to the first day of your new life.

  3. Posted 2005/07/30 at 12:35 | Permalink

    That’s my man!!

  4. Posted 2005/07/30 at 13:47 | Permalink

    I’m proud of you :) I know I don’t know you very well at all, but I just wanted you to know :D

  5. DesertLama
    Posted 2005/07/30 at 14:56 | Permalink

    I am so happy for you! It takes a great deal of courage and conviction to be who you are, especially in a world of misunderstanding and fear which is couched in religious dogma.

    The two biggest lessons I’ve learned in life so far are: a) always trust your heart, it tends to have a better idea what’s right for you than your brain and b) the middle way is the right way. By the middle way I don’t mean balancing between two views (such as homosexuality versus Christianity). I mean, finding the path where there is an absence of tension. Negate the extremes and accept all aspects of our being as who we are. This is wholeness.

    It sounds to me like you are on a good path and you are in tune with who you are. And that is way cool! :-)

    -sean

  6. Posted 2005/07/30 at 15:48 | Permalink

    Your boldness is tremendous. And I could not imagine being prouder of my best friend right now! Yup, looks like you’re still at the top of my “People I Admire the Most” list.

  7. Posted 2005/07/30 at 16:44 | Permalink

    Best post effver, Jeremiah! Congratulations and good luck are in order, as I only know too well. Tho I never explicitly told my Dad before he died early last month, Mom did get enlightened in absolutely the last way I’d ever envisioned a couple weeks later–I won’t comment-spam, but feel free to scroll back a few weeks in my blog. So, so unfortunate….

    Anyhow, on behalf of all sketchy men who started reading your blog as a result of your Switch ad: please keep us posted with these goings-on! Enjoy the feeling, enjoy your man, and most importantly, enjoy yourself! We’re all super proud. :-D

    *HUG!*

  8. Posted 2005/07/30 at 19:29 | Permalink

    I am happy for you Jeremiah. I have been reading your site on and off for a while and even mailed you a couple of times. I too am gay and I have to say, isn’t it nice being able to admit it and not have to hide it? I guess that is one of the reasons I am working at Walt Disney World. My parents knew about me in my senior year in high school and when I did come out to my high school friends, I lost a few but the ones that stayed, are the true ones. College came and went and I was who I wanted to be. Not hiding in a closet but rather happy with who I am. Congratulations on being true to yourself. My boy friend now is still in the process of figuring it all out and when to tell his parents and coming out. I am glad those days are past. Here’s to a bright future for you and your man.

  9. Posted 2005/07/30 at 21:29 | Permalink

    OMG! Congrats on coming out! I know how big of a burden it can be.. I hid it for 8 years because I was a Boy Scout and didn’t want to risk being kicked out. I also lived in a very small community in the midwest.

    I knew after your switch thing aired that you were so gay and so adorable. But I didn’t start reading your blog till about 6 or 7 months ago when I randomly stumbled on it looking for something mac related. :D

    I hope your love will continue! ::hugs:: and welcome to the family. :P

  10. Posted 2005/07/30 at 23:29 | Permalink

    You don’t remember me at all I’m sure, but I IMed you a loooong time ago (after Switch originally aired) asking if you were gay. :P Anyway… I just wanted to tell you that I’m glad you’ve had a weight lifted off your shoulders, and I’m sorry about your family. It may take them some time (and some longer than others), but I’ll bet that they’ll come back around eventually. You seem like the type of guy that people, especially your family, can’t stay away from for too long.

  11. Posted 2005/07/30 at 23:40 | Permalink

    I think I’ve only commented one other time on your blog, but I thought another would be appropriate here. :-) I don’t really know what to say so a few words from a semi-random 22 year old guy:

    Basically just keep being yourself. It’s not easy, and you still have to spend the vast majority in “hiding” so to speak, but at least it looks like you have supportive friends. Which is really great, don’t take them for granted.

    And you probably won’t do this, but never close the door on your family entirely. My parents are only now recognizing my 1+ year relationship with my boyfriend as legitimate, but only barely. They’ve known for almost 6 years. Just give them time.

    I could say a lot more but I won’t. This is one of those things that you can’t tell someone about, they just have to experience it themselves. And if you ever need any random unbiased advice, I’m all ears.

    Take care, and best wishes.

    - Drew

  12. Posted 2005/07/31 at 0:39 | Permalink

    Great post, Jeremiah! I’ve been a Christian since I was 15 years old and have always had to deal with homosexuality. I tried changing many times, but any attempts always resulted in failure. I’m currently 21 and last year became boyfriends with a great guy. As a result, this past spring I too had to deal with the “tug-of-war” between homosexuality and Christianity. I could never come to any rock-solid conclusions, but I am happy to say I now consider myself both gay and Christian.

    I wish you and your boyfriend many many many years of happiness together. God bless. *hug*

  13. Posted 2005/07/31 at 2:26 | Permalink

    Remember back at 132, the day that I came up and asked who the lucky girl was. Definitely missed the spot on that one, and though I have alternate religious beliefs that swing in a different direction concerning the issue, from that day I have never valued you as less of a person or any different than any of my friends.
    I couldn’t and wouldn’t ever speak ill of you Jeremiah, and I am glad that you have felt free enough now to fully and consciously put it out there. Freedom of religion, speech and personal liberty shouldn’t be given lip service in this country when there are so many fine individuals (both heterosexual and homosexual) who have and are dying to protect those freedoms.
    You are a great person, one of my role models for sure. Congratulations on your experience, and good luck to you in the future with your family, but no matter what, be yourself, no one can take away the one thing belongs to you…your choices!

  14. Posted 2005/07/31 at 12:40 | Permalink

    I don’t have anything else to say. When I first told my parents, I was 16. My Mom said she watned to jump off a bridge (living dead on the Ohio River makes this more plausable than it sounds at first). Still, things got better and now many of my ex-boyfriends like her more than me. Kind of a second Mom to them. My father accepts me, but still hates gay marriage, ect. I think you’ll find a huge seperate between how parents feel about you (sure I want you to get married and be happy) and the outside world (marriage is between a man and a woman). It is typical for people to have this dual view, it preserves their world view, even if there is a huge disconnect.

    There are none so blind as those who will not see.

    The reason I told my parents was because I had just lost my first love, and I wanted desperately to share it with them so they could comfort me. I wasn’t accustomed to having my feelings hurt and not being able to share it all with my family. So, that’s what made me make the decision way back then.

    As far as religion… heh. There were people trying to reconcile slavery with Christianity (slaves submit to your masters) and women sufferage with Christianity (wives submit to your husbands). Christianity survived, and paid no head to those who agonized over the split at the time. Let it go, people will come around, and it’ll be as if Jesus never had a problem with it. Just don’t expect an apology, the Southern Baptist just got around to apologizing for using the bible to justify slavery… four years ago.

    Jesus went through a hell of a lot to have a relationship with you, and if a mere man tries to get between Jesus and you and deny your right to be there, it is that man who should be worried, not you.

  15. Jesse
    Posted 2005/07/31 at 14:01 | Permalink

    I came out to my parents and family when I was 15. I know I am lucky because they have all been very supportive, to the point where it’s a non issue. I do volunteer work at my college’s L/G support office and it’s shocking to see how many families have dis-owned their son and daughter because they are gay. It can be really tough for a lot of kids. Blogging your experiences can help a lot of kids to let them know they aren’t alone. Hang is there and I wish you the best.

  16. Posted 2005/07/31 at 21:02 | Permalink

    Most excellent revelation indeed! I, too, have finally found love after too much time alone. So congratulations to you and Arthur! Actually my boyfriend and I were in Boston Friday and Saturday and had the time of our lives. He got a lobster roll at Quincy Market and was quite pleased with the tasty discovery.

  17. Posted 2005/07/31 at 22:53 | Permalink

    The Metropolitan Community Church (MCC) managed to reconcile Christianity with Homosexuality very nicely. I personally don’t care much for religion and didn’t even before admitting I’m gay, but I’ve been to Sunshine Cathedral a few times and I saw the founder of the MCC, Troy Perry, at the opening ceremony. He’s a very dynamic speaker & almost got me to believe.

    I only admitted I was gay about 6 years ago. I was more in denial than in the closet. Instead, I pretended to be a geek who couldn’t get a date (now I’m a gay geek who can’t get a date :). My father died several years before I came out, but my mother accepts it. If you haven’t already read it, read Andrew Tobias’ “Best Little Boy In The World”. I just read it and the early part sounds *exactly* like my life.

  18. Posted 2005/07/31 at 23:32 | Permalink

    J,

    Ya gotta be kiddin me… (me ponders)

  19. Posted 2005/08/01 at 2:04 | Permalink

    Hey Jeremiah,
    I’m proud of you for standing up. You’re a cool guy!! We still think of you in San Diego.
    Keep loving God, I’m really glad life’s looking clearer. AIM me sometime, it’s been forever.
    Elaine

  20. Rianna
    Posted 2005/08/01 at 9:30 | Permalink

    I’m boo-hooing. :) I’m so glad that this time in your life has finally come. Yay for you! :)

  21. Posted 2005/08/01 at 17:40 | Permalink

    Good for you, Jeremiah! I’m really happy for you. Fortunately my family coped pretty well when I came out many years ago. But I’ve friends who’ve had it tough, so I know something of that trauma. But I’m sure – with your faith and Arthur – you’ll see it through.

  22. Posted 2005/08/02 at 12:55 | Permalink

    Now you’re a REAL switcher. :)

  23. Posted 2005/08/02 at 15:13 | Permalink

    I love and miss you :)

  24. Jeremiah, not the author of the website
    Posted 2005/08/02 at 19:19 | Permalink

    Hello jeremiah.

    I dont know you at all.. but i just stumbled upon your webpage and to my surprise we have a lot in common!! First off, my name is Jeremiah too, and i am a christian and have been all my life, i am also gay! lol

    I definately admire you for having so much courage and being able to stay strong. I have been down that road, i have tried to make myself straight, and it just doesn’t work. i am not as confident as you are with my sexuality and religion yet, but reading what you wrote really helped me. It made me realise that i am not the only one like this out there, and that god loves me no matter what, no stipulations.

    I dont really know what to type to describe it, but what you wrote has sort of given me a new look on life. I am only 15 so i guess its good that i found this when i did! :D
    Thanks Jeremiah

  25. Josh
    Posted 2005/08/02 at 19:57 | Permalink

    Congrats on your choice and your new freedom. I think the fundamental requirement of any spiritual path is being honest with yourself, especially about yourself. Accepting yourself for who and what you are is in complete alignment with your desire for spiritual development. It’s also a lot easier to live a life being hated for who you really are than being loved for a lie. But I have no doubt that eventually those who love you will realize that you’re still the great guy you’ve always been, just more fabulous!

  26. MeMe Charlotte
    Posted 2005/08/02 at 23:42 | Permalink

    I don’t think anything I have to say would matter to you except to say I love you, grandson. I know your mother does too.

  27. Dean
    Posted 2005/08/03 at 14:02 | Permalink

    Your faith is an inspiration. I’m resolved to come to grips with my own struggle as a Christian who is gay. Thanks :0)

  28. Posted 2005/08/04 at 15:39 | Permalink

    This is a great time for you Jeremiah, enjoy it and focus on all the good things in your life. It seems there are a lot of friends ready to support you, my best wishes to you.

  29. jj
    Posted 2005/08/04 at 16:55 | Permalink

    i cant describe how am feeling i luv u so much i dont care about this i will always luv u bro.

    jj ur bro

  30. Posted 2005/08/05 at 12:09 | Permalink

    Hey Jeremiah,

    I tried leaving a comment the other day, but Safari screwed up and it didn’t go through. Just wanted to say I’m proud of you for having the courage and the resolve to tell a Bible Belt family in Lynchburg, VA that this is who you are, and who God created you to be. I know you’re gonna get a lot of crap from people, most of whom don’t even know you, about this. Just remember that God is with you always, and through His strength you can get through the worst the world can throw at you.

    I look foward to reading more of your thoughts on homosexuality and following Christ, and engaging in further discussion (and possibly debate) on this topic. “Being a disciple of Jesus Christ doesn’t mean having all the right answers; it’s about asking the right questions” – Billy Jack Blankenship, one of my personal heroes

  31. Tim
    Posted 2005/08/06 at 3:26 | Permalink

    I’m proud of you! No matter how much society has changed, it still takes a lot of courage…

    Being a Christian and being gay are NOT mutually exclusive–I don’t care what any particular Religion says.

    Keep expressing your thoughts, it will help you and probably help others who were/are in the same boat.

  32. Raymond
    Posted 2005/08/08 at 9:18 | Permalink

    Like many others, I came to this blog through the Apple Switch campaign. To my surprise, what I read was wholly inconsistent with my preconceptions and that intrigue me. I disagreed with many of your political views, but I still read because I still sensed an incongruence and that is somewhat still the case because you have now made explicit what was only suspected. I applaud you and I am humbled as you’ve shown me that we all truly come in a variety. I look forward to continuing to read your blog even when it makes me want to yell. Much happiness and peace for your future.

  33. Posted 2005/08/13 at 16:04 | Permalink

    Jeremiah, we went to high school together and I was always impressed by how bold you were in your faith and strived to be just like you in that respect. I’m sure you’ve heard many disapproving opinions about your new way of living so I won’t voice my opinion on the matter.

    However, I’m curious to know how you justify homosexuality within the realm of being a Christian?

  34. Posted 2005/08/15 at 18:15 | Permalink

    Stuart, try this link for a start.

    Also the Episcopal Church and the United Church of Christ are two mainline denominations that openly welcome homosexuals and I’m sure you can find a plethora of information there.

    In the end I personally feel it would be better for more churches to follow their lead and worry more about spreading God’s message of love for Him and your neighbor (which was Christ’s main commandment) rather than focusing on who’s not worthy to hear it.

  35. Stuart
    Posted 2005/08/17 at 9:08 | Permalink

    Bryan, I checked out the website that you posted and was quite disappointed with it. It seems as if the author of the website is taking a very clear passage of scripture and putting quite a slant on it to help come to their own conclusion. It does although help me see how homosexuals justify their actions, so thank you in that respect.

    I do agree with you that ALL people should be shown Christ’s love, homosexual or straight. I absolutely despise the group from Kansas who loves to show up and protest homosexuality with their ‘God hates fags’ signs. This is in NO WAY a way to show Christ’s love. I do however feel that homosexuality is not a natural practice and is a sin that should be confessed before becomeing a Christian. I do however realize that you will probably disagree with me, which is fine. I just feel it neccessary to let homosexuals know that the majority on conservative christians (and southern baptists) don’t hate homosexuals. Love the sinner, not the sin.

  36. Posted 2005/08/18 at 6:14 | Permalink

    J: I was immensely touched by the honesty, humility and emotional intelligence that you demonstrated in your posting. I’m not a Christian, yet your remarks – in particular those that closed your message in relation to your family – affected me in a way I did not think possible. Take care. Nx