|
I have been a vibrating pager sitting on a wooden desk the past two weeks. I probably would have fallen over the hypothetical edge of the hypothetical table that the metaphorical vibrating pager was placed upon if I did not hear from Emerson College today. Nervousness and anxious shakes are not common traits for me, but I now have official word from Emerson College; officially not useful information. I am still accepted to the school, but I will not know if I am accepted into the honors program until April 1, 2003.
Tonight, before we headed back to the apartment from The Artful Dodger (an amazing atmosphere to consume coffee), Adam and I walked up this hill that towered over Eastern Mennonite University and Harrisonburg. Pulp Fiction talked about "comfortable silences." Our time perched above civilization was a comfortable silence. Something about the altitude, the low clouds, and the freezing temperature sent that Big World, Little Me™ solemnness through my shivers. I wonder what God thinks when he views His creation from above. Even with all of the things wrong in the world, even when I felt so alone, even with all of the uncertainties, awe and peace enthralled me. The past three days at Adam’s apartment forced me to collect and process the thoughts that I put aside for the past three months. I carry more internal burdens than I let on and it is far easier to shove them aside and pretend they do not exist than think through them.
People throughout my life have told me that I will be successful. They either saw something within me as a boy or were trying to be encouraging. Some define (even if they never make the effort to define) success as getting married, having children, becoming a middle-class suburbanite, or whatever else the MTV generation turns into when the years accumulate, waist lines expand and hair lines recede. People work until fear of success equals the achieved (or given) success. My desires soar beyond these respectable lives that millions enjoy in the United States.
And yet, my sister called me out on doing this exact thing years before my peers will. Rianna agreed and said so eloquently.
Rianna: I said that I think there’s an even bigger part of you that’s afraid of success more so than failure.
Me: Both are uncertainties and result in unfamiliar situations.
Rianna: Well, if you think about it, you’ve always been a big fish in a little, small-town pond. You’re involved a lot in church, you were really involved in your school. Everyone noticed your talent not only because you’re just an incredibly talented guy, but also because this (Lynchburg) is a small pond. If you succeed outside of this pond, I think you’re scared of some of the competition and the standards you’ll have to live up to once you DO succeed. Do I have permission to be sappy and encourage you now?
Rianna: You have a lot of potential, J. You’re self-motivated, you’re down to earth, you’re just awesome. Whether you know it or not, there’s no reason for you to be scared because quite frankly, you outgrew this small pond. Don’t sell yourself short or insult God by saying that what He gave you isn’t enough to fulfill His plans for you.
These comments reminded me of words Josh Dunford once told me. He is the only person that I have met whom I consider a genius. (Paraphrased) “Never settle for your best. Your best is never not able to be improved upon. People only settle for a level of mediocrity. Truly successful people never believe they have achieved their best work.”
My New Year’s Resolution is to make myself more available to failure. Good things are only bad when they take the place of the best. Comfort is only bad when it takes the place of progress.
Powered by Hunch.com
|
|